UNLUCKY IN LOVE

          I recently came across an article in regards to men having a biological clock. It got me to thinking; I never really put that much stock into the fact that as a woman I’m suppose to have a biological clock. I spent my entire adult life trying to avoid unwanted pregnancy and searching for the perfect relationship in hopes to one day get married and start a family. Somehow I always thought I had plenty of time. Now I’m feeling as if I may have made a huge mistake. As I am few days away from my birthday I am now realizing that all I had dreamed and hoped for did not come to fruition nor does it look as if it ever will.

            Years ago it seemed as if I was the lucky one to be childless. I could always get up and go anywhere at the drop of a dime never looking for a babysitter when all my girlfriends were. I was always envied. They would tell me time and time again how lucky I was not to have any children.  My biggest obstacle was going out without my boyfriend if I just wanted to hang with the girls.
 Now…now I seem to be the third wheel (being single again and all). I’m still the only one without children; it doesn’t seem so cool anymore. The majority of my girlfriends for the exception of 2 or 3 have families. On the weekends instead of hitting clubs they’re hitting theme parks, movies and family dinners. They are doing family oriented events leaving me to feel like an outcast. I wonder should I have thrown caution to the wind and became a statistic? Were my expectations too high as an inner city black woman? What made me think I could find my knight in shining armor? What would make me think I could live a fairy tale?

            I’ll tell you who…my parents! My parents made me think that I could live a fairy tale, that one day that man would come along and make everything ok. My mom and dad have been together since they were 14 and 18 years old. They have been married for 38 years. I was always in a household with two parents; for better or worse we were always a family. It wasn’t always perfect, nothing ever is but we had each other none the less. I think because I always had my dad around who is a strong religious man, I held the men I dated up to his standards. They were the standards that I knew from a father to daughter relationship perspective. I never fully knew the problems that my parents may have had between them because they kept that away from the children. Did this distort the perception I had of men and what I expected of them? Perhaps, all I knew was how I saw my dad treat my mom; how he treated me told me a man should treat me. No one told me that my parents came from a different era, that they got together in a time when divorce was simply not the answer. That no matter what you stuck it out; you kept it together for the kids. Weather you were miserable or not it was just what you did.

            So now I’m a grown woman and all that I thought is not, all that I was taught doesn’t seem to be so. Now what? Have I lived my life in vein? Should I still look for what my parents have? Not in this day and age. I can’t see it. I’m not getting any younger and I simply don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. But you know what I’m a romantic at heart and I can’t help that I still think I’ll get my knight in shining armor one way or another, hook or crook. My president is black anything can happen.

Smooches…Ms. Milky Gabor