WHEN THE ONE YOU LOVE DOESN’T LOVE YOU

            I am always mystified at the bravado of men who insist that their fear of commitment is somehow contributed by you and your lack of commitment to conform into the person that they believe would better fit their personality or lifestyle. I was forced to think about this after a conversation I had with an ex-boyfriend the other night. He was on the other end of my cell phone pleading his case or maybe even berating me I’m still not really clear because I was stuck and sort of zoned out on him for a second. Was he saying to me that he couldn’t be with me because I wouldn’t change back into the girl he met at 20 years old? I kept asking him the same question over and over again “Are you serious?” You see it is now 18 years later and I wouldn’t expect anyone to be the same exact person that they were so many years ago. That’s like asking me to be the same little girl I was in high school or college. I almost thought myself into a coma before I realized that it wasn’t about me conforming, changing, morphing or anything else. He simply didn’t love me. Oh but I let him take me through it first before I came to that realization. I could never be mad at him because the game he played I picked it. I knew full well what he was doing. He could never do anything to me that I didn’t allow him to do. I was simply in love and always have been with him since the moment I laid eyes on him. What’s really funny is if any of the other men that I dated knew what I allowed him to get away with they would be so mad because I have let dudes go for less. The thing is this; you know how you have that one dude that no matter what he takes you through you give him a pass? That’s exactly what it was.

We met 18 years ago when I was 20 years old and out of town. I was there for a stint and was elated to even see a New York dude. He was a street dude and I loved him for that. He was a real man’s man. You know the kind, the one who is no non-sense and about his business but likes you because you’re a girly girl. That was us; I loved the ground he walked on. He was so strong, the kind of guy that you felt safe with. The kind of guy who would constantly tell me how beautiful he thought I was. One day I realized that regardless as to how pretty he thought I was he was still stepping out. Not knowing that his thoughts were that no matter what he did I would always belong to him. Being so young and the no non-sense person that I was I don’t know how I stood for that? So I left him for someone else knowing all along in my heart that he was all I wanted. I needed to teach him a lesson. That was probably the biggest mistake I would ever make in my life. To this day he has never forgiven me for that but he’s always stayed around. When I was going through it with the man that I left him for he was always there. Once it was over between me and that man I tried to make amends with him. He led me to believe that it was possible that we could finally after all these years have something.

            What he really did though was lead me on and I let him. I was so remorseful and I really wanted it to be what I thought it should have been from the start. I don’t know if it was part of his plan to get me back for the wrong that he thinks I had done to him or what. I’m still confused about that. All I know is he could never expect for me to be the same gullible, confused and unaware girl that I was at 20 years of age.  I still think that he uses that at as an excuse. I think that his ego is in the way and he holds on to me just so that he can say he has me fawning over him; that I still want him. My thing is this if you don’t want me, if I’m not your end all be all what is the point? Why not let me go? Is the man’s ego so big? Can you not get past the past? Is it simply that I don’t know when to cut my losses? What do you do when the one you love no longer loves you?

Smooches…Ms. Milky Gabor